When I ended my marriage, I knew that I didn't deserve to be abused, but I wasn't so sure I deserved to be loved. I didn't really love myself, so how could I believe others could? I had low self-esteem when I met my husband and was completely astonished when he returned my feelings. I thought lightning couldn't strike twice,and believed him when he said no one else would want me or would put up with me. My experience as a fat teenager had taught me only too well how people in this society view fat. My efforts to starve myself only led to increased weight after an initial loss.
I had also been verbally abused by my husband for several years. The verbal abuse was insidious. If you hear something about yourself often enough, you believe it. You may disagree when you first hear it, but repetition burns it into your mind and causes you to doubt yourself. If you already have a low self confidence, you are particularly vulnerable.
So, there I was in those first months after my marriage ended, the verbal abuse I had received running through my head. Only this time it was my own internal voice echoing what my husband had yelled at me: " No one would ever want you! No one would put up with you!"
"You're lazy," I would say to myself. My house wasn't spotless, and my toddlers' toys weren't picked up as soon as they were through playing.
"You're stupid," I would add, whenever I made a mistake of any kind.
"Ugly, selfish, impatient, and a bad mother," the litany would continue. Nope, I wasn't perfect in any way.
Meanwhile, I was also grieving the end of my marriage and condemning myself for failing at my marriage. While somewhere a rational part of me knew I was not solely to blame for its end, I was still ashamed.
I didn't know anything about grieving. I would have said it was something you do when someone dies. But there I was, experiencing all the stages of the grieving process--denial, rage, depression, sadness--and feeling crazy because I didn't know that it would pass.
My one effort to deal with my feelings was destructive; I rushed into a relationship with the first person that came along. I wanted to reassure myself that I was capable of attracting someone and to distract myself from the pain of the grieving process. Of course, the relationship was a disaster, and the grieving process came back with a vengeance. Now I was grieving two endings.
I entered, finally, a stage of trying to understand why I was battered. Why had I ended up with a batterer? And why had he battered? These were two questions I spent a lot of time in the library trying to solve. I found many books on domestic violence and they made sense to me. They explained a lot of my ex-husband's behavior and it made me feel less isolated to hear about other women's experiences. I felt less foolish for having been a victim of violence when I learned about how prevalent it is.
I volunteered at a women's shelter and saw other women dealing with the same to leave that I had--the sympathy for their batterers, the fear of being alone, the love mixed with a growing hatred--all these things I had felt, said, and thought. I saw that they had to go through this process at their own rate, and could not be rushed. I also heard repeated many of the things my ex-husband had told me, and began to see patterns in the abusers' behavior. Controlled by their own insecurities and fears, they battered away at their wives' self-esteem to keep them from feeling strong enough to leave. Knowing this helped me to contradict what I had been told about myself.
I had been learning how not to be and what not to do, but it was at Cabrillo College in the Women's Studies program that I learned more about how to heal myself and work toward a healthy, happier life. I began psychotherapy at this time, and soon I was working on my body image as well. I had the good fortune to meet Ruah Bull, a local body image educator, and worked with her for a time. I stopped actively hating my body and gave up my unhealthy starvation diets for good. I also started swimming, and relearned the joy of movement.
Another woman who had a profound influence on me during my recovery is Maxine Myers. She was the Director of the Cabrillo Women's Center and also one of my teachers. I came to work for her and took her class, "Women In Contemporary Society." Having received her PhD the age of 56, she was a powerful example to me of a woman who went after her dream and didn't give up. She entered college with her son at age 42 and kept going until she got her degree. She taught at UCSC, Cabrillo, and directed the Women's Center, bought herself a house and a new car, remained the radical woman she'd always been, filled with energy and enthusiasm--I admit I was a bit in awe of her. But in spite of her accomplishments she remained the same down to earth, unpretentious person she'd always been. She's been one of my role models ever since.
For women recovering from abuse, role models can be very important. You need to have a picture of where you're going in your recovery. While you don't want to merely imitate someone else and lose your own identity, knowing someone else came through struggle and adversity to prosper and find their own strengths can guide you in your own journey. And ask questions! I, for example, was given an assignment by my therapist to ask 5 women in my life how they handled anger. Maxine was one of those people. So when you meet women who are succeeding at something you struggle with, ask how they do it. You'll hear that they didn't necessarily always do it that well, or that they still struggle with it. You'll get some practical advice, some of which may not work as well for you. But you'll learn from them and deepen your connections with other women--broadening your support network.
Besides finding role models, my advice to women in recovery from battering is to take time out from relationships for awhile. The most important person to have a relationship with is yourself. Every other relationship flows from that. If you are busy hating yourself, what kind of messages will you give other people? Believe me, abusive people will zero in on that in a second. You will also find it difficult if not impossible to assertively insist that people treat you with respect.
The first step in learning to love yourself is to stop mistreating yourself. If, like me, you find your mind echoing abusive phrases and insults at yourself, you must stop them, immediately. Every time you catch yourself doing it, STOP! Interrupt yourself mid-word if necessary. You can even use the word stop to replace what you were just thinking. At that point you can replace that thought very deliberately with a positive replacement. You can affirm your self worth by so doing.
How does that work? Well, say you made an error in your check book. You were off by a couple of dollars but it caused a check to bounce. You are charged 15 dollars by your bank, so you launch into a self-blaming tirade: "How could I be so stupid?! I'm so terrible with numbers I shouldn't even have a checking account. Now Jamie won't be able to go to that movie, I'll be too broke to take her. I can't believe how stupid...STOP! What am I doing this for? I made a simple mistake and it's corrected now. I usually do just fine with my checking account, this is the first mistake I've made in several months. Numbers may not come easily, but I try harder and I usually do really well with my money."
Or you see the dishes from last night's dinner in the sink and think, "Oh God, I'm so lazy STOP! So I didn't have time to get to the dishes--I did 15 other things instead. I don't have to be superwoman!"
Rule of thumb: if your best friend did it, would you rant and rave at her? Be at least as nice to yourself.
If I had to name the most useful thing in my recovery, it would be just that-- learning to be as kind and compassionate to myself as I am to my dearest friends. No more, no less. Be as gentle--and as honest. You will tell your dear friend when they need to make a change, when they're wrong. But you tell them gently and respectfully, not abusively. You can talk firmly to yourself without being abusive.
Once you have stopped adding to your own negative self-image, your confidence and self-esteem have room to grow. Start accepting compliments from people, especially if you usually shrug them off uncomfortably. Smile and say "thank-you" even though it will feel awkward at first. Allow yourself to start believing what you hear. In the same way that verbal abuse affected your self image, so will the positive things you hear. Let them in!
I also read a variety of books, participated in a self-esteem support group, therapy sessions, women's studies classes, activism, retreats--I kept looking for ways to learn, to grow, and to take new risks that increased my confidence. I urge you to try many different approaches. The test is: does it make you feel better about yourself, able to take new risks such as going to school or trying for a better job or a raise? Are you learning about effective communication? Do you find yourself having better relationships? Learn to trust your intuition. If something makes you extremely uncomfortable in an unsafe-feeling-way, stop. If it's a little scary in an I-know-I-should-but-I'm-nervous sort of way, try it if you can. If not, maybe you're not ready just yet--but do try again later on. (My own examples of risks included going to school, swimming, nude modeling--as a large size model--and sending my writing to magazines.)
Nurture your friendships, and learn to ask for support and help when you need it. You will. The recovery process is difficult at times, when new ways of doing things aren't comfortable yet and you are tempted to slide back into the old, familiar path. I remember hearing in a lecture that such changes can feel worse, at times, to the point of being terrified and having panic attacks. But it will pass. I found that reassuring. It meant I wasn't losing my mind, as I had feared, and that it would get better. It also meant that others had been through this before me, and they were all right so I would be, too.
Trust me. I don't have any amazing recuperative powers that you don't have! I felt as scared and worried and hopeless as you may be feeling, and while I felt those things I just concentrated on getting through each day. That is the universal theme in all types of recovery, such as addictions, abuse survival, physical rehabilitation--you name it. One day at a time, one minute at a time even. That's all you need to get through. You'll be surprised at what those minutes, hours and days add up to. In my case, I got a degree, a great job, a wonderful husband, and an incredible circle of friends who helped me through it all. You deserve no less.