I woke up 12 hours later, bitterly disappointed and angry. The notion that people who fail to commit suicide are not serious is, simply, wrong. The truth is, our culture has popularized a number of methods that may result in injury but not death. Real information about what works well is not readily available. In movies, they down a couple handfulls of pills or take a couple of slashes at their wrists, and in short order they are dead. Or more likely, we don't see the attempt on camera, just the aftermath.
People have even survived gunshots, not accounting for the motion of the gun as it kicks.
So it was that my ignorance saved me.
I then tried to cut my wrists, but I was so groggy and uncoordinated that I didn't succeed and soon tired of the effort. I went back to sleep for a few more hours. Later I called a friend, being much too tired from the physical toll of the medication to pursue further attempts at suicide. She came and made me eat something, sat by my bedside, and listened in a calm, accepting manner that made me feel better. She did not judge, and assured me she would have understood my choice and not blamed me for it. That relieved some of my guilt, which was undermining my already low self-esteem.
My struggle continued for several months as I dealt with several very difficult situations in my life--that were all my doing. My self-blame and guilt kept me on the edge of suicidal thoughts and actions for most of that time. I refused to give up the instruments I had acquired with which to kill myself, telling my therapist I needed the "security" of knowing I could leave if I had to. She asked me to imagine giving them up, and I felt panic. Without them I would feel trapped. I insisted that as long as I had the option to kill myself then I could work on staying alive.
In retrospect it seems bizarre--but then disordered thinking is a part of being suicidal. Seeing suicide as the only escape or solution is the result of the depression, negative thinking, and a narrowed support system. As far back as 1985 Edwin Schneidman identified areas of faulty thinking that were the hallmark of the suicidal person.
Schneidman wrote, "Instead of looking for a variety of answers for their problems, suicidal individuals think of only two alternatives: a total solution or a total cessation. All other options have been driven out by desperation and pain."*
He goes on to say, "The most dangerous word in the dictionary of suicide is 'only'"
As long as the suicidal person can see only one solution to her or his problems and pain, she or he is lethal to her or himself.
One of the many ways a support person can help is to assist the suicidal person brainstorm solutions to their problems, even if they don't buy into those solutions immediately. Sometimes the act of considering other options, however reluctantly, helps them expand their perceptions. And that hope for life, however small, still lingers. It is something to build on, a hidden ally in your struggle to help the suicidal loved one.
* Published in Psychology Today March 1987