That was 4 years ago. For the last few years I have continued my recovery. At first it was like having been physically ill for a long time. If you've been really sick, you may remember feeling weak and not having the stamina you used to. Gradually you get it back, but at first you must take it easy. Maybe you walk a couple of blocks where before you had run a few miles. But each day you can walk a bit further.
Recovery from severe depression is very much like that.
I initially worked at more physical, less emotionally and intellectually demanding jobs. I felt I had more physical energy that emotional energy, and also wanted to keep my stress level very low. I instinctively felt it was vital to do so, as I now wanted to live and was avoiding circumstances that might cause me to become suicidal again.
Additionally, I was in more danger if I did become suicidal again, having located a book about various methods and knowing much better how to succeed the next time. While I was still suicidal I had settled on an easy method using materials that are always readily available, reputed to be painless. (Of course, no one comes back to tell us if these methods really are!)
I did notice that having decided to die once, I was much more likely to think of that as a solution whenever something unpleasant happened to me. That remains the case to this day, and I know I have the additional training from my childhood that suicide is a solution to problems--from my mother's attempts. I believe that it is always something I will have to take care not to ignore, and I have agreements in my life to talk to people when I feel that way.
It seems to me that deciding to die, and making the attempt, caused me to cross some sort of barrier that most people don't cross. Having faced my fear of death once, that fear no longer causes me the hesitation it used to. I believe that to be the reason that people who have attempted suicide are statistically more likely to kill themselves. (That and the knowledge they gained about methods in their attempts.)
Nevertheless my life is much more stable and happy now, and I am enjoying the results of my work in therapy. I was forced to deal with some issues in my life I had not faced or even entirely known about before, and these things had stood in the way of my allowing myself to be truly happy.
That behind me I was able to take the risks needed to find a better job and to date again. I met David, my husband, and had the wedding I had always dreamed of having. I made new friends to replace the ones who left my life, and started writing again. I got the chance to use free web space and started this magazine. Everything in my life was coming together.
There remains only one last part of my life affected by the events of 1995. My son has chosen not to be in my life. I realize that I could obsess about his decision and the pain it is causing me, to the exclusion of everything else in my life. Or I can focus on my good fortune and restrict the amount of time I attend to my grief. And I can remind myself about all of the other things that I thought wouldn't change or be solved, and allow myself hope that as he matures he will see me as a complex human being with both good and bad aspects.
I had intended to write about this when I began Uppity Women, but it's been painful to sit down and recall it all again. Trying to decide also how much detail was needed for it to be helpful to others and yet preserve some privacy was difficult.
I am working on two additional articles--one for supporters/family members and another directed at people who are suicidal. Look for them in an upcoming issue and on the suicide help page I am working on which will also have links.
In closing I can only say that if I had died in 1995 I would have missed some of the most joyful moments of my life. One of my friends reminded me that in theWiccan world view we are all inter-connected, and if one of us removes ourselves from that connective web, all are affected. She said that I might someday be needed to help someone else in ways I could not imagine, and that they would not receive that help if I were not here.
This magazine and particularly this article comes from my need to pass on the help that I received when I most needed it. If even one of my supportive friends had not been there when I needed them, I might not be here now. We are all valuable; we are all needed.