In my last issue I asked for feedback about our last name dilemma. We had decided we wanted to choose a new last name, and Dave's family was less than thrilled with the notion. Nevertheless, we went ahead and changed our names. (I am using my former name as my pen name.)
We talked about this a long time, both before and after we got married. We agreed immediately that it was unfair and ridiculous for a woman to give up her name to take on her husband's last name. We knew that doing so was not an option-- and Dave felt that way perhaps even more strongly than I did.
Initially we thought, ok, we can keep our own names. It might be nice to have the same name, but a lot of people are keeping their names these days, so that will probably be just fine.
So we had our wedding, moved in together, and everything was wonderful. Except that the newspaper by default assumed I changed my name in our wedding announcement (when I had believed the default was the opposite). And when people wrote to me as Tapati Grassi. And, the last straw for me, when PG&E refused to put both our names on our bill without Dave also calling them, "Because you don't have the same last name."
It seemed that the world expected us to have the same last name, regardless of what we intended. Sometimes I was called Mrs. Grassi, sometimes he became Mr. Sarasvati (we were amused by this one!) but whichever way they went, we ended up with the same last name whether we had one or not.
One of the options we had considered early on was picking a new last name. I had known couples who did this, and it worked out great for them. I even suggested taking one of his Italian family's names from a previous generation. I hoped that doing so would help his family accept the idea, admittedly unusual.
Dave himself liked one of my old family names, a great-great grandmother's last name.
So we settled on her Scottish name, reviving a maiden name that my great-great grandmother herself was forced to give up when she married. (We decided not to print it here to preserve our privacy off-line.)
Dave's family has accepted the name, despite their earlier misgivings, and all seems well on that front. I am sure that this is not the first time they've not quite understood our life style. As many feminist couples before us, we are determined to have a fully equal partnership. The name issue, while seeming trivial to some people, contains the elements of our patriarchal system in the tradition of one spouse abandoning her identity for that of her spouse. How many times have we had trouble locating a woman we attended school with because of this very practice? She simply disappears! And becomes lost in "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith."
Careers and housework are the other two issues that feminist couples have to work out. Making sure that both people have the ability to nurture their work lives, and yet both take responsibility for keeping the home clean and meals prepared takes some negotiation.
I'm happy to say we're doing well with both areas so far, and am utterly delighted to have found someone who does dishes! Every day!
Do you have a feminist marriage? What issues have you had to work out, and how? (By marriage I don't necessarily mean an opposite-sex legal marriage, but a long term romantic partnership.)
And keep that poetry coming or I swear I'm going to start posting the gooey love poetry I wrote for Dave when we were first dating. Trust me, you don't want to go there!